Parents, myself included know very well that yelling is counterproductive, we yell with the hope of achieving quick obedience, we see it as a way to immediately get the expected response from the child, but in the process, we are hardening his heart and turning him into a bully. Because we know the negative effects of yelling most parents know that they have to do something about it, and it makes the question ‘ How can I stop yelling at my kids?’ . one of the most common questions asked by parents.
I invite you into a conversation about the long term effects of yelling on your kids and together we will explore ways to stop yelling but most importantly what to do and how to talk in such a way that kids will listen.
Firstly, let’s go deeper into:
Why Do We Yell?
Maybe if we understand Why or What makes us yell we can conquer the unproductive yelling habit.
We first have to be aware that children are not the cause of our yelling. I used to hear mommies say to their kids ‘don’t make me beat you’ which I found to be very funny. Let me be forward, kids do not make us do anything. we decide to yell or to spank, we need to fully take full responsibility for how we respond to our children’s behavior, irrespective of what they have done, we are responsible for our response.
We yell because :
1. We are Overwhelmed
Life can be challenging, and sometimes we find ourselves drowning under different forms of pressure, i.e business, relationships, career, finances, and many others and when we are in that state we get easily triggered because we are not in our right frame of mind. Unfortunately during such periods, guess who is our number one victim – Our precious, innocent little humans become our number one victim.
So it is important to always be conscious and aware of the space and the frame of mind you are in, not only that if your kids can understand, make them aware that you are currently not okay, request for a space to gather yourself before interacting with them.
When you are aware of your state of overwhelm resort to saying few words if ever you have to say any words at all, most importantly audit every word that comes out of your mouth during this time. In Summary, Make it a habit to be Conscious.
2. We Don’t Have Enough Time to Respond Properly.
In most cases we yell on the Go, we yell because we are in a hurry and we want to fix whatever it is NOW, but unfortunately, kids also have the mind and pace of their own, they can’t always meet up our pace and expectations.
Under such circumstances again Be – Aware, aware that you have expectations that might not currently meet up with the child pace, maturity, and understanding.
The truth is irrespective of how rushed you are, things can turn out differently if you can take a minute to breathe and implore the child’s cooperation.
Evaluate your options- long term damage to your relationship/child or achieving what you want, when you want it, at whatever cost.
3. We Honestly Do Not Know How to Respond.
Yes, yelling can be because we do not know better. Most of us were raised by yelling parents so yelling has become our default response, If you fall under this category relax and read further, you are at the right place
But before that let’s look at :
Why should We STOP YELLING
1. To Model Healthy Communication & Problem Solving.
2. Can cause Low Self Esteem
3. Can result in Low Self Control
4. Can cause Anxiety
5.Can cause Aggression
6. Can make a child Susceptible to Bullying
7.Can make a child Withdraw
8. Can cause Depression
How to Stop Yelling
1. Prioritize Connection
2. Focus on Teaching
If you reflect on your childhood you will remember that there are things you took time to understand why you should do or not do them.so keep teaching THE LIGHT BULB WILL SOON GO ON.
In most cases kids are expected to know a lot by metamorphosis, it skips our minds that they are called kids because they are still developing. Teach patiently, calmly, and repetitively remember Repetition is the mother of learning’.
.
3. Communicate Clearly not Loudly
I am sure we are all aware that clear and calm communication is ten times better than ‘making noise’
The best way to communicate with the child is through multisensory communication ( auditory, visual &
kinaesthetic), where he will hear your voice, see your face and feel your touch. It requires that if you need to communicate a message and want to be sure that, it is understood, get down on your son’s level, look at him in the eyes, hold his hands or place them around his shoulders and communicate. After sending your message through confirm if he understands.
This kind of communication will make the child feel respected, important and conquers communication barrie
4. BeAware of your Triggers,
We are usually triggered by the same things, being aware of what those things are, can save us & the kids from some yelling episodes Triggers can be two ways, their behavior or your issues. For example, I know that I am more likely to yell when I am tired and overwhelmed and this has nothing to do with the kids. I also know that I am easily triggered to yell if I perceive that the child is lying about something or if I hear some unnecessary bickering.
If you are aware you, stand a better chance of adjusting yourself before you get hijacked by emotions.
5. Adjust Your expectations
Your expectations are just that – your own expectations, It is worse if they are not clearly communicated. But again we should also remember that we are operating at a different wavelength with our kids, what is so important to us will not always be that important to them, and this is due to different levels in maturity and many other factors depending on what the issue is. So a huge gap is expected between our expectations and their reality. It will take time, patience, clear, constant communication, and teaching for them to meet up
6. Pursue Wholeness
Pursue wholeness- for lack of better word. What I mean is to ensure that you are in the right shape, Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and otherwise. Wholeness is all of that makes us human – Mind, body, soul, emotions and relationships. Check this article to fully comprehend what it is and why is it important.
When you feel good and okay about yourself you will be a better mom or dad, but when you are out of shape in any of the mentioned areas it’s a matter of time before you get easily triggered by petty things and erupt like a volcano on your kids.
7. Seek Help
Sometimes it just feels like yelling is part of who we are, we can’t help.I highly recommend Positive Parenting Solutions course by Amy McCready, she calls herself a recovering yeller, who is bold to admit that she used to yell to the point of her throat getting sore. Check my full review of Positive Parenting Solutions Course in this article
Signup For Positive Parenting Course
Final Thoughts
No doubts – Yelling is causing more harm than good, so what are you gonna do? Decide to change, a decision not to sacrifice a long term well being of your child on the altar of meeting your expectations and getting quick obedience.
Even after you decide, you will at times fall, if you do rise and ask for forgiveness, how sweet will that be for a child to behold. See him melt from your humility.** In the process, you will be modeling humility and the fact that it’s OK to ask for forgiveness.
NB: Yell only if the child’s life is in danger e.g there is a car coming that might hit him or he might trip over something and fall. If he is about to endanger a sibling or anyone around him.ONLY under life-threatening or danger imposing circumstances shall YELLING or SCREAMING occur.
If you need help , if you want to become a better parenting consider this course on Positive Parenting
Here is to raising our Boys our to be Incredible Men
How I wish all parents read this. I have heard guardians who seemed to yell at me at every small mistake that i did. All i can say is that yelling is torture, bullying that psychologically has an impact on the growing up of the child.As you plant it so you must harvest. That same child you are yelling at will turn into the exact criminal you want him to be. We need to really understand that children are not the cause of our yelling indeed.
Hey Paul
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am sorry to hear that you were a victim of this bad habit . Now that you are aware pursue wholeness , get help and ensure you get healed from its effect. And I hope you will do things differently with your kids
Hello Bogadi, thanks for sharing this article. As parents, a lot can make you want to yell at your kids and in some situations you just can’t help it but shout at them. However, it would be a great deal if people try as parents not to yell and just communicate with the kids because it’s better in that matter to relay a message
hey Justin
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
Lets stick to clear and calm communication for better long term results. Lets make yelling outdated
Yelling is something we do I think because it appears to offer us a quick and easy solution. However that couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality it solves nothing and could create further and unexpected problems.
Yelling can obviously become abusive to a child, especially if the child is particularly sensitive. On the other hand If it is practised all the time I think it can also be something a child can dismiss, and almost not even notice. I have experienced seeing parents yelling, and the child has become so accustomed to it they almost laugh it off showing of course very little respect for the parent. This I believe is because yelling is weakness, and a child could either be afraid of a parent’s weakness or even take advantage of it…in either case it is to the child’s detriment.
Proper communication can be much harder, but it is ultimately way more rewarding and beneficial to both the parent and the child. Parents must accept full responsibility for emotional control, only then can they fully accept that they are the ones that will develop a child’s response and behaviour.
Hey Ray
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
You have made such a beautiful summary of what yelling is and the negative long term effects . I echo what you have said that ‘yelling is a weakness’ and ‘parents must accept full responsibility for emotional control’
Thank you for the value you have added into the discussion
When I was growing up my parents rarely yelled at us. They favor talking and explaining what we did wrong. My parents believed that yelling was counterproductive.
Personally, I find that if you are always yelling at your kids when they do something wrong, the dissuasive effect that you think that you have by yelling is lost on your kids because they get used to always being yell at.
hey Sonia
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
You are one of the blessed few , that had parents you knew this truth about yelling, I believe that your kids will be that blessed too.
I agree , Yes yelling is counterproductive and Yes it eventually turn you into a clown who will be ignored by your kids .
My take on, “How to stop yelling at my kids”:
I agree with your analysis. First, yelling is counterproductive and has disastrous effect on the child you want to be a productive member of the society when he grows up. Certainly, no parent wants to harm the child. These prove that yelling is an unconscious act bone out of frustration resulting from a lack of knowledge of what to do or how to do it.
No child enters this world with a ‘manual’ from the creator specifying how to raise him. So, how to raise a child you learn on the job – trial and error.
I like your prescriptions on how to stop yelling. But considering our current lifestyles, modern living – a mother who should concentrate on raising the child has to go to an outside job, in addition.
Perhaps you have encountered a mother strolling around with her one-day old child. We know that no matter how the child was delivered the birth wounds had not healed yet. Think of the traumer resulting from such untimely exposure to the child. We have strayed away from ‘nature’. I remember when women used to take three months before and after the baby is born to take care of the baby, be a mother, and have quality time with the child.
Even some times children don’t know their parents – the parents are always away to work; children are away to baby-sitters. We must resort to yelling.
Good luck.
Cal.
Hey Cal
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
You have raised very important concerns here and I hear you well. Times have changed. The pressure is mounting on parents hence we preach mindfulness because we need it now more than ever. As we rush through life we must raise our consciousness at all times to avoid being easily triggered and causing unexpected irreversible harm, especially to our kids
This is for all parents especially women. Yelling causes more harm than good. I am also guilty of this. Children become psychologically down and they also do back to others what we do to them since we are their parents and directly or indirectly,they are learning from us. What you give to them,they give back to you and the society. I have gained so much from this and I will work on myself so as to better for my kids
Hey Elizabeth
Thank you for stopping by. I am glad you found value from the article. I like the fact that you can acknowledge it as your weakness , awareness is a good place to start .All the best
A discreet and concise information you have shared here. Honestly, being able to keep temper in check and ensure that we maintain the cool with our kids would definitely help in getting us on their good side too. What has been shared here is good and offers so much more than we could think of. Thank you for all these here. Thanks
Thank you Darm for stopping by The Incredible Boy. Being able to contain your temper is very critical, in helping you to not yell at your kids, which is a very counterproductive behavior
Creating fear in the mind of a child will always make him or her dumb and more dumb , it’s also Sam’s was yelling, I discover it kills confidence in kids and it also takes away smooth communication space. It’s good that you shared this, it is very resourceful and it’ll help parents know how to control their yell.
Truth is Yelling creates fear, kills confidence and get you quick obedience . But if we look at the long term impact it has on the kids we will conclude that it is not worth it and change this bad behavior.
Oh my gosh, have you hit the nail on the head. The suggestions you have are fantastic. I’m a little older and don’t have kids. My parents didn’t yell that much (unless you include that they used to yell out the back door to call us home). It is a much much different world with way more stress on must of us. Your article is timely in that regard.
Hey
Marsha , Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy. You were blessed not to have yelling parents of course not including when they were calling you to come home.
Your second point is also as important. Stress is a major contributing factor to parents who yell at their kids.
These are good tips to help me stop telling at my kids. I have two kids and we know just how hard it is sometimes to put them to good behavior and how you’re giving me Wonderful tips on how to stop yelling at them. It’s nice that your tips would be able to help me. Do you think lowering my expectations is a good tip? I mean every parent is supposed to have high hopes on their kids.
Hey Jackie
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy. I am glad the article was a spotlight on the negative effects of your yelling. I am also glad you are bold enough to publicly accept that you are wrong and you know it. Awareness is the good first step.
Definitely lower your expectation, especially looking at the age and maturity of the child.The two must tally
What a great article! One of the most challenging things for me is to see a parent yelling at, and often degrading, their child while shopping. I realize that shopping with kids can be challenging at times (Mom of 9 here– plenty of experience) but if you plan the time properly (not when kids are sleepy, hungry, etc, and not when you are rushed) it can be an enjoyable learning experience (we always homeschooled–shopping was “consumer education” class!)
I will be bookmarking and sharing this with hopes of helping others understand the need to work with their children, rather than against them. Thank you so much!
Hey Diane .
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy.
It is always a pleasure to have you around. Love the wealth of wisdom you share from experience.
Yelling is and will always remain counter productive . I am also homeschooling and loving the consumer education class idea.
Thank you in advance for sharing the article
Wow, this article was amazing. Yelling is almost impossible to control, but it is also very necessary to do so as it’s counterproductive, and can seriously ruin your relationship with your child. This article was really helpful for me because sadly I yell at my children a lot and I also shared it with my siblings to help them with their kids as well
Hey Collins
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am glad the article helped you realize that yelling is counter productive. Hopefully your kids will experience a different parent from now.
Thank you for sharing the article
Hello there, thanks a lot for sharing this wonderful piece of information here with us. I must say i really did enjoyed going through your review as it contains valuable informations one can hold on to. Though most times these kids makes it really hard for one to keep his/her composure, these tips will come in handy though. Thanks for this
Hi Phil
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I agree with you that sometimes its hard to keep your composure but being conscious and intentional will be very helpful. If you are not winning on your own consider the recommended Positive Parenting Solutions Course .
Yelling is counterproductive and its possible to be a calm parent .
Thanks for the helpful article. I hear a lot of yelling through the walls from my next-door neighbours who have a child with some behaviour issues and I do hope they see your article as well.
It is easy to fall into the habit of yelling, especially if you are stressed and tight on time, but I’ve seen children stopping taking notice of their parents who yell at them regularly, which shuts down the communication flow. As you outline, there are much more productive ways to communicate.
Hi Emma
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
Wish you can share the article with your neighbors . I agree that yelling at kids comes very easy when under some form of pressure , but it should never be an excuse.
Hello there! Thank you very much for sharing this article on how to stop yelling at my kids. I have gone through it and it’s very helpful to me. As a mother, I find it weird yelling at my kids but it’s just difficult to stop. I agree with the reasons put out on why we yell, mine is mostly because I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know what to say. I’m glad I came across this article, now I know how to control it. I feel sad my children had to go through that and I’ll share this with other parents I know of.
Hey Sophie
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am glad the article helped you see your blind spots.As long as we can always remember that Yelling causes more harm than good , then we will stop the habit.
If only I could share this article as far as possible so that more and more people can read and learn from it. As parents, a lot can make you want to yell at your kids and in some situations you just can’t help it but shout at them but does not mean it is the right approach as shouting never helps the situation at all.
Thank you Sean for stopping by The Incredible Boy, we are in the business of raising boys to be good incredible me. Yes, even if at times our yelling is justified, it is never right .
Hi Bogadi,
I am so grateful for your article. I share the opinion that yelling doesn’t do any good to anyone, both parents and a child. It just creates trauma for a child and more frustration for a parent.
I am someone who still doesn’t have a kid, but have been working with children for a long time, and also am an auntie big time 🙂 As far as I know, through some investigations, researches, and learning process and practice I have been going through. As parents and future parents, we always have to start from ourselves, heal ourselves, and then we will be great examples and teachers to our children. No need for yelling at that point!
Thanks for a great article!
Sunny
Hey Sunny
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I agree it tales a healed calm parent to not yell at the kids. So we should start with ourselves.
As a mother, and I live in an Asian country, the method of educating children here also faces similar problems; now most children are raised by grandparents because moms and dads need to work and have very little time to spend with their children, so it’s normal I will also yelling to my children in my life. I am very lucky to be able to read this post and I will share the content with my friends. Thank you.
Hi Jealous
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and engaging me on How to stop yelling at my kids
I have worked in China previously and know how Asian parents can yell at their kids. I am glad you are opening to learning and willing to change the behavior
Hi Bogadi
Thanks for sharing your views on how to stop yelling on the kids. You have given to the points actions to be adopted and they can make a reasonable change in the behavior of our kids. I would like to add that it when we yell and become short tempered on a routine basis it becomes very normal to child. After a certain period of time they stop bothering on our yelling. Stage is very dangerous during the upcoming of our kids .The yelling is not going to do anything good at this time .hence we must understand that the only way to make our child understand the things is having a friendship behavior with them, understand their needs, help them to come out of peer pressure can strengthen them to become good adults.
Thanks and regards,
Gaurav Gaur
Hey Gaurav
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible boy.
You have said it in clearer terms that when we consistently yell the behavior get normalized and it does not have impact on the child. Love relationship with the child will always win.
Thank you for engaging me on How to stop yelling at the kids.
I really liked that quote that it’s rain that grows flowers, not thunder. And we need to focus always on the long-term goals. I know that parenting is challenging and there is a lot of stress involved in the task. But being able to continually focus on the welfare of the whole family is key.
Hey Abel
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and finding value on our How to stop yelling at my kids article.
That quote is really true , ‘Its not thunder that grows flowers but rain’
Hello Bogadi! What a wonderfully wise piece of writing. It reveals that you are a person with deep self-awareness, which is what this world desperately needs more of; people who are aware that it’s their reactions to their issues, not the issues themselves, which cause their suffering. I enjoyed every minute I read it.
Putting a positive note to the topic of yelling, I think it’s a sign of our evolution as a species that children have become less likely to be physically harmed by their parents. You’re right, yelling at children is a problem, but I believe it’s less of a problem than physical abuse. For example, my mother was horribly beaten by her mother, but she rarely did anything like that to me.
We are evolving as a species. And this article of yours is more proof of that! We’re learning that children are (mostly) innocent beings who are here to learn to love themselves. We are the adults; we are the ones responsible to be patient and kind with children as they learn to be their own sovereign selves living in our complex society. Violence is never the answer with children.
I’m profoundly grateful that my parents rarely yelled at me. That doesn’t mean they didn’t mess me up in other ways, but they didn’t mean to do so. Our parents unconsciously pass on their trauma to us. If they knew better they wouldn’t do it. It’s our task as daughters and sons to identify the traumas we inherited from our parents, so we can finally heal them.
This is how we end the cycle of trauma we have been caught in since the dawn of our civilization. Every time we heal one of our hurts, we heal all of humanity.
All the best,
Erick
Hey Erick
Thank you stopping by The Incredible Boy and bringing so much value to our article How to stop yelling at my kids.
I fully concur that we are evolving as a species and the truth is getting better from our previous generation . Its unfortunate that off course there are some form of traumas that are unconsciously passed on. We as parents should just be Intentional about doing our best.
You know, I have never had kids, but I deeply prioritize the advice you are giving. I learned a lot and could really see myself in the child’s position. I personally wished that some of your tools were implemented by my own parents. I have always wanted a healthier, more productive relationship.
I loved the quotes you used to describe how a parent should raise their child. For example, I loved when you said raise your words, not your voice and you grow a plant with rain, not thunder.
Overall, I am going to bookmark your post and take your constructive, healthy criticism to heart. Very great job!
Hi Bethebest
You are a rare breed to be interested in such material when you don’t have kids yet.
I believe as you keep empowering yourself, you will be a more informed and ready parent.
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and engaging me on How to stop Yelling at my Kids.
I really enjoyed this article and wish it had been around 30+years ago when I was raising my kids. I must admit I am guilty of occasionally yelling at them when the situation would have been better handled in a calmer way. I must also clarify that it wasn’t a habit or a daily occurrence. Usually, it happened in circumstances that I really didn’t know what else to do and it always ended with both myself and the child crying. I always apologized for losing my temper and we would then together work on a solution to whatever had happened in the first place. If I had known other skills I would certainly have employed them. Time out was my usual go-to with a discussion both before and after. It seemed pretty effective. All 5 of my children are grown and 3 of them now have children of their own and come home to visit as often as they can (well until this pandemic prevented that). Thanks for this great article. I am sure you will benefit many parents. I will be sharing this article with my children who are parents. Take care.
Hey Deborah. Thank you for adding value here on How to stop yelling at my kids. It looks like you did a great job as a parent and it should be noted that none of us is perfect. What is important is your awareness when you were wrong and apologizing. Your grand children are blessed. Thank you for sharing the article and for stopping by The Incredible Boy.
I grew up in a Italian family where everyone was loud!!! I was used to being yelled at. It was the norm. It was in my adulthood that I realized that my lack of self-confidence was caused because of that. I try not to reproduce that on my kids. It’s been challenging but I have been successful ! It is important to realize and accept that it is not necessary to yell. And change follows. Many thanks for all the precious advice !!!
I grew up with parents who yelled and spanked at every wrong turn I made. I didn’t like it at all and for years I wondered why people who said they loved us would bully us and be so rough. Wasn’t there another way? I never found my answers until I had my daughters and since yelling was what I knew, I yelled many times. It was when I didn’t like myself after the yelling session, that I decided to find other ways, many of them you listed here. Thank you for the reflection.