Parenting has its challenges, It’s even safe to say parenting is a challenge itself. It’s unfortunate that when we face parenting challenges all our other challenges do not stop. Life continues to throw curve balls at us.
In reality, most parents are not in an ideal state to take care of and nurture another soul, because they themselves need to be nurtured. But we still have to parent because there is no reverse or backspace button for the child we have brought to this world.
We have no choice but to man up and parent even under the most hurtful circumstances.
What do you do when your history has brokenness written all over it?, when you are hurting in ways you cannot even explain?.
When your marriage/relationship is crushing you into pieces but.. you still have to parent
Your career or your business is crumbling down but you still have to juggle that with taking care of yourself and others.
The point is we should not raise kids for raising kid’s sake, we need to raise whole & healthy kids, especially emotionally and psychologically..
We cannot perpetuate the brokenness legacy. Someone must bring it to a halt.
How to Parent While Hurting.
1. Confront Your Brokenness
Acknowledge that you are hurting, get to the bottom of it , what is the real cause, don’t shake off this reality, do not sit and hope it will disappear. Brokenness when left unattended tends to spiral out of control. Allow yourself to feel this pain, do not brush it off or shut it down, Like I said if left unattended it will make itself a little small voice in your subconscious mind always reminding you of the painful past.
2. Forgive yourself and whoever caused or contributed to your brokenness.
You can never heal except you let go and heal. It might not make sense but remember we are doing this to get a grasp of ourselves for the sole purpose of raising our kids from a whole place because wholeness will produce wholeness and brokenness will produce brokenness.
3. Love yourself
Parents tend to think that they can love their kids more than they love themselves.
Our primary responsibility towards our children is to love them and of course love will manifest itself in many ways.
The bible says Love your neighbor/next person they way you love yourself, what should happen then if you don’t love yourself because you cannot give what you don’t have.
I have learned this a hard way, that the consequences of prioritizing everyone else but you can be very harsh psychologically, emotionally, and eventually physically. Ultimately when you crumble which is inevitable you will go down with the very kids that you have been prioritizing over yourself. Having said that it’s safe to say self-love or self-care is a parental skill and tool you need. Good, peaceful, rational parents are parents who take care of themselves and the opposite is true. Let me echo the well-known quote that says self-love/care is not Selfish.
But how do I love myself?
It starts with self-awareness. Answer questions like who am I? What makes me tick? & do more of the things that fill you with joy.
Be aware of things you don’t like and do less of such, if you have to do them. Identify places, books, music, movies you like and indulge. Be conscious of your feelings daily, positive or negative, find a way to amplify the positive and do away with the negative. The keyword across this parenting blog is INTENTION. Be Intentional about loving yourself and like Kamal Ravikan say, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on it.
Other common ways known to enhance self love, are Meditation, Exercise, Journaling, affirmations, relaxing baths, and more. When you start to be Intentional about loving yourself ideas will fill your mind test them and choose what works for you. For more on Loving Self check this article .
If you still need more practical tips and activities to do daily, while endeavoring to love yourself better visit thestackedhouse.com
4. Then Love Your Child
I want to believe that you understand that I am not in any way suggesting that you neglect your child in the process of loving yourself. I am however saying that you cannot l truly love him without loving yourself first.
Self-love as recommended will certainly heal you, I do not know anybody who committed themselves to self-love and never reaped the benefits of the healing it brings. But I should also mention that, there are no overnight results. The pain of whatever broke you might still be hanging over you for some time, which calls for another level of being Intentional to love and protect your child from your pains.
It calls for you to be conscious of the words you utter about him and to him. You should always check if your words and actions are not in any way influenced by your brokenness.
In the darkest days of my life, I do my best to reduce interaction with my kids until I have gathered myself, however when I come out I come out with the Intention to love, I pour out my affection, I hug, I kiss, I affirm and I play.
If I cannot correct or discipline without losing it I do my best to leave that for the other day when I am in a better space.
5. Celebrate yourself
I have learned moons back not to wait for anyone to celebrate me, with me or affirm me. I created a habit of blowing my own horn. When I was a stay at home mom surrounded by toddlers, there are times I felt insignificant, with no contribution whatsoever to real-life issues. Yes, I envied my friends with corner offices in big corporates. I wondered why did I go to the university for and low self-esteem was slowly creeping in. Until I learned how to celebrate where I am. Until I realized that most people I am envying wish they could be home with their babies. Until I discovered that changing nappies and being the first point of contact in caring, nurturing, and teaching my babies was more than a significant job, but it was life, it was goals for many.
I realized that it is not only a significant work but it is also the most challenging. This work built me, It taught me to love unconditionally, I call it my university of patience. I celebrate myself in small and big ways. I am my number one cheerleader. I wait for no one to tell me that I am doing well.
6.Pursue your goals
By all means, do not lose sight of your goals, there is nothing that brings fulfillment to the soul like progress in the right direction. I understand mommy that you might not have all the necessary energy for them but keep them in view, think about them, meditate on them, plan towards them, given a chance do something small towards them every day. As the babies grow you will increase the time you spent on your goals.
What am I saying?
I am saying we all have a history of brokenness that differs in degrees, of course, If you did not come across it in your childhood, it has a way of hitting you as an adult. It comes in different shapes and sizes. However, there is No excuse whatsoever to hand it over to your child as a legacy.
He does not deserve that, shield him from your pain.
I am saying parental love begins with self-love, you cannot adequately give the love you do not, have.
I am saying you cannot heal unless you confront your brokenness head-on and get to the bottom of it and be fully aware of how it manifests itself in your life.
I am saying healing demands that you forgive yourself and others
I am saying be your number one cheerleader, celebrate yourself and applaud yourself, pamper yourself.
I am saying you deserve all the good, the love, and joy in the world and parenting should never take that away from you it should actually be your motivation to be the best version of yourself because now you are a role model with someone watching you closely, you are setting a standard and in his eyes, you are a definition of what life is.
I am saying the best gift you can give to your child is a whole, emotionally healthy Mom or Dad
I am hoping that you scooped some inspiration to be the best mom or dad from this article irrespective of what life throws at you. Here is to Raising Our Boys to be Incredible Men.
Tell me in the comments section below, share with us your experiences, your wins, struggles, and useful tips.
Indeed parenting is challenge. It comes with so many ups and downs. I am not yet a parent, but I so much about this because I read a lot of guide and articles on parenting. I thin it would be advisable for one to read and know much about parenting before having kids, just to help prepare mentally for any challenge to be faced while staying on track.
Hey Kelvin
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I 100% agree, its best you empower yourself for a parenting job. long before you become a parent. Like any other significant job, we have to get ourselves ready.
I feel hurt whenever I lose my patience with my daughters. They are 2 year old and 6 year old respectively. Sometimes, they just don’t listen to me. When I tell them to do something, like keep the toys, talking to them nicely 5-6 times doesn’t work and I had to raise my voice. I know I am doing it wrong but I’m at a loss what to do. And my wife blames me for not doing enough to take care of the family and that isn’t really helping. I do not know how do I heal in such circumstances, hope you can advise.
Hey Richard
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am sorry to hear of your challenges, they are real. I like the fact that you are aware that, you are doing it wrong which is the first and great start to getting it right. I suggest Positive Parenting Solutions Course. Check my review on it here : http://theincredibleboy.com/p…
I really found this article really comforting and also timely. Children are a source of joy but sometimes they can also be a cause of pain as well, I can say this because of the experience I am going through with my two boys, parenting is really one of the hardest tasks in the world. This article was really helpful and I’ll recommend this for any parent out there
Hey Collinsss
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am glad you found value here. And really hope you find a solution to your challenges. I recommend Positive Parenting Solutions Course to everyone who needs to get the parenting thing right.
Thanks for this article that discusses the challenges faced by parents and how to handle. I am growing older and getting to the stage of get married and becoming a parent. So I gave been reading a lot, and I have been able to understand that having kids is not something to rush into. There has to be some level of awareness on the challenges that comes with being a parent before making the decision to have kids. I think this will help upcoming parents to be able to withstand challenges.
Hey Nelson
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy you
I am glad that you are aware of what it takes to be a parent, And you are empowering yourself to be the best parent. Bravo!
What a lovely read which will probably touch a lot of people when they need it most. Life can be challenging for all of us and everyone has their individual problems to face which at times can be overwhelming. This site has really inspired me to be kind to myself and remind myself that all things do pass both the good and the bad and that we need to look after not only each other but also ourselves. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Sofia
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
I am glad you found some inspiration here. I am all for self love & self care .
Totally agree with you on this one Bogadi,
It’s easy to lose track when we’re hurting but forgiving one’s self, accepting the situation, and focus to love ourselves first is crucial before we can care about anyone. After all, if we can’t take care of ourselves, how can we take care of others especially our children right? If we’re not okay mentally, whatever we do will always feel wrong.
Hey Riaz
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy
You have summarized it very well. If we cant take care of ourselves, we cannot take care of anyone else.. Selfcare is not selfish .
Wow, this really hit home. Thanks for such a terrific blog post. You are so correct – it is the fullest of all full time jobs. Most importantly, being a parent really is something we can’t afford to switch off, even when everything else in life goes wrong. As the father of 2 boys, I have to remind myself daily of how little things can make big influences in their lives. I do appreciate your tips on coping mechanisms – there is so much truth in these! 🙂
Hey Jayness
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy. I am glad that you found value in here. Being a broken parent can take take a toll on ourselves and on our kids. Lets fight to keep our heads up as much as possible.
This is an amazing article. I’ve never heard this said more bluntly and simply: You can’t love your child until you love yourself. Self-loathing (for whatever reason) is what allows one person’s bad experience to become a legacy for generations to follow. Your suggestions here are excellent as we can’t even begin to cure ourselves until we accept what is broken and begin the process of forgiveness! I, personally, have found affirmations to be extremely helpful in this process. I write down what I want to release and what I want to gain so I can say it to myself every time the self-doubt creeps in.
Amazing Cythia
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy .
I am glad you found value here. And you have summarized it so well. I like the affirmations part, those are powerful weapons against any form of doubt or negativity.
Good day
You have no idea how healing your post has been to me. I have 3 kids myself and often times I am caught up in the process of making their world so perfect that I forget one very important point that you have mentioned; LOVING MYSELF. your suggestions such as meditation, affirmations and relaxing baths are what I think I need right now.
Parenting can be a challenge at times but you 6 points on how to parent while still hurting are really on point. Life is challenging by itself and having to take care my 3 little gifts have been the most challenging yet fulfilling thing I ever had to do.
Thank you
Boi
Hey Boi
I am happy you found value . I have 3 children myself and what I have suggested here is what I have learned to practice in the toughest of times.
Life will not stop for you to parent smoothly .
It is very true that if you do not love yourself, then it is very difficult to love anybody else. And sometime when you are hurting, you do not see things with the same open mind than when you are not hurting. Parenting can indeed be a challenge and nobody really prepares you for that first child, or even when siblings arrive. And yes you have to look after yourself to be able to care and love your kids.
When my boys were small I saw a poster that said “have you child today”, which became my everyday motto, and it was amazing the positive effect it had on all of us. If you are hurting and you share it with your kids, it halves the sorrow and hurt.
Hey Line
I appreciate your stop at The incredible.
It is unfortunate that nobody really prepares us for this noble job . But when we are there we need to ensure that we do our part.
Parenting is serious business, and the returns are not too good. No child ever feels that the parents have done enough or were good enough.
That said, parenting has its bright times, and children are such a pleasure to have and bring up.
Nice article on how to continue your parenting even though life has made you bitter or sad or hurt you in some way.
Regards,
Aps
Hey Aparna
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible boy and for engaging me on Hope for hurting parents
I like the point you are making that parenting must continue even if life has served you some sower grapes
I know for the fact that i am already struggling as an individual to take of myself as an adult, I am sure parenting is way harder. Thanks for sharing all these tips. I agree, confronting your brokenness and forgive yourself is the first step that you can do. After that self care is a must. The most important thing is that you have to keep trying to be good at this. I am still working on self love now.
Thank you Nuttanee for stopping by The Incredible and engaging me on Hope for hurting parents.
I am glad you came across this article before you become a parent . Hope the info in here will prepare you to be a great parent.
Quite interesting. I haven’t really come across these kind of posts. Maybe because I don’t think about or search for it. I believe there is a balance.
I have two children, and love to them very much, but I of course l love my self too. In, fact there’s nothing wrong with loving yourself first and then your kids.
You need to take care of your self first and then you can worry about others. If you ignore your well-being you will suffer and you won’t even realise. Sometimes it can affect you very bad.
All parents have different thoughts in their minds, and I think that will always be there but you do your best and everything will work out.
Your mental state and physical state are equally important. Thanks for writing about this topic, super helpful for parents.
Hey Fatoumata
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and engaging me on hope for hurting parents. I echo your sentiments that there is ‘nothing with loving yourself first’ then your children.Like an old adage goes ‘ You can not pour from an empty cup’
Thank you so much for this amazing article, and an article that I think every parent should read and take note of. I think the hardest thing on your list would be to forgive one’s self. That is hard for anyone to do because guilt can really crush the very soul of a person, and cause us to know what to forgive ourselves. Thank you for this helpful reminder though.
Hey Jessie
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and and adding value to our article ‘Hope for Hurting Parents’.
It is really sad to see that it is easy to condemn yourself than to forgive yourself.
Thank you for this great post to help hurting parents.
It is tuff being a parent when everything is going fine, no mind when your world falls apart around you. But your responsibilities as a parent to protect and nurture your children must always come first. Actually, I have heard so many times that it was the kids that got people through their hardest times. When they wanted to just lie down and die, they couldn’t because if their responsibilities.
But for someone like me who has ASD and doesn’t know how to love themselves, it can be difficult to know exactly what I should be doing to make sure my kids feel loved. But I hope I managed it okay.
This post is very helpful to most parents. When our son was little we had to manage his behaviour resulting from ADHD. It was very challenging and put strains between my wife and me. Our son had to get psychological help. As parents, we were also asked to participate. But my wife was not interested in doing so.
We all went through a lot of hurt. If we had access to this post of yours back then, it would have helped a lot.
Our son has grown up and is now a single father of 4. I am amazed how he is trying to overcome his challenges in bringing up these young kids. Our parenting him has never ended. Our assistance has morphed to sending him money to keep helping him out of tough spots. This has drained our resources but we feel confident he will reach a point where he can start to pay us back.
In retrospect, we have followed much of your advice unwittingly, And it has helped.
Thanks for sharing.
Edwin
Hey Edwin
Thank you for stopping by The Incredible Boy and adding so much value
Your comment is a valuable article by itself.
Thanks again
This article is a must read for all parents – Hope For Hurting Parents. We cannot love others until we love ourselves. A lot of parents give everything, to their children and do not take care of themselves. Loves begins with you as a parent, if you have exhausted yourself, you wont be alert to make the right decisions when it comes to your children.
Hey Diana Thank you for stopping by The Incredible boy.
Raising kids is a lovley experience and I will hold on to them precious moments forever.
But I know how it feels when trying to raise kids when your broken inside. It’s awful and you just need to be alone in your own thoughts until the problem is solved.
I, like many people have had one thing after another, relationship break down, work problems, family problems etc and have often felt guilty for not being present in the moment, I am with them but not present.
And I honestly think the answer is self-love.
I have become stronger as time goes by. I just think to myself that this situation won’t matter in 1 years time, whats the worst that could happen really? and to but trust in God, faith or whatever you believe in that things will work out for the best and just go with the flow!
Hi Bogadi
Your post is a real eye-opener. Parenting is hard, knowing the decisions you make will affect how your kids turn out in adulthood depends on the foundation you create for them is scary, there is no fixed manual that comes with it.
You talk of self-forgiveness, this can be hard to most of us even if we do not admit it but I feel that to move forward with a positive life, forgiveness is a must, going through life as a bitter parent is not the way to do things.
You talked of “self-celebration” I think we do this much more than forgiving, but wins-loses, success, or even progress should be celebrated, this is a way of confirming to ourselves that we feel, see, and appreciate.
A well-written, very informative post that parents and would-be parents should read.
Thanks so much for sharing
This is a good reminder to parents that they are still human, and not perfect. Parents often have the best intentions of providing the right tools at the right time, but it can be challenging to get that right even in the best of times. Parents end up doing what they can, and your reminders for parents to love themselves anyway is spot on.
Incredible post and so spiritually filled. You are so right. You cannot transmit what you do not have. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It is a process to loving yourself, especially if you are in the process of trying to forgive yourself, for whatever reason. Very informative information you have conveyed and blessed people with. Thank you for the wisdom and insight!